Language and school and a bit on the teaching bit.

My Spanish is clumsy. Words fall from my lips before I have a chance to correct them, convoluding my meaning and clouding any understanding. It’s not graceful, it’s not pretty, and it’s not how I like to be seen.

But I’ve come farther with it than I ever expected. Spanish was never something I factored in completely when I deicded to come to a Spanish speaking country.

–”You’re really brave to come here without knowing the language.”

–”‘Stupid’ might be a more apt description.”

It’s a typical conversation I had in my first few months here. I think it’s pretty spot on. I haven’t come out fluent (not that I ever expected that), but I’ve come out of it functioning. I can get by, I can have short conversations. I can function. I’ve become enamored with the thought of learning more, though.

One thing this dual language world of mine has done has inspired a small passion for words — it’s made me appreicate my own language immensely, and has kindled a curiosity for another that I don’t want to die once I return to the US in 40 days. It makes sense. I’ve met many people who claim a love for words, and when I think back on it, most of them speak more than one language. It makes you think about connections, about how words are formed — it makes you think in a different way. I’ve been reading more, writing more, playing around with words in my own language that I did before.

I dunno. Just a thought.

I’m feeling sad today. Rhyme? Reason? None. Maybe it was seeing that “40 days” countdown on my phone. Maybe it was the Duoc party last night that reminded me that while a lot of this is total bullshit, the relationships and the community we’ve built are real and will be broken in just a few weeks.

I got incredibly lucky with my school. For one, it’s location is amazing, just a couple blocks from the presidential palace. We have everything around here, and I rarely need to leave. And, it’s an old mansion. It’s ancient feeling architecture inspires visions of the lives this place has held before, and boy do I love to just think about it when my students are busy working at it.

But on top of that, my coworkers are really amazing, from the other gringos to the young, wonderful Chileans I’ve come to love so much, the relationships I have here keep me smiling throughout the day. They completely make up for some of the not-so-awesome aspects of this job.

Duoc is an odd place. Sometimes it feels like chaos. Sometimes I want to strangle everyone. Sometimes I hate my students. Sometimes I imagine the medieval methods of ruler slapping and dunce caps aren´t such a bad idea. Sometimes it smells like a ridiculously disgusting dump.

And then other times, I can´t stop smiling. My students can be pretty cool. They’re funny, they’re clever, they’re so sweet. It’s funny, really, because when I first got here, I did not, did not, did not give a crap about the teaching thing.

On one of the training days, one of the guys in my program came up to me with a video camera.

“Why did you want to teach English in Chile?” he asked me.

“It was a means to an end, but don’t tell TeachingChile that,” I’d said with a chuckle.

“Just wait until you’re finished. You’ll be singing a different tune,” he told me.

And I’m not finished yet, but I’m already singing a different tune. I’ve gone from hating this job, to tolerating, to loving it, and all up and down the same spectrum, over and over and over.

I felt like a traitor on day one of classes. After seventeen years of being a student crammed behind a desk, there I was, standing in the front. I was going to be the one assigning homework. I was going to be the one  marking attendence, giving low marks, and failing students.

Here are some of my favorite moments from this past semester.

Today, intermediate 2: I’m looking over rules that students are writing for staff and passengers on their imaginary cruise ships.

Staff can take drugs, drink alcohol, and do orgies in the jacuzzi.

I think that you mean ‘can’t’ here,” I told him.

“No, eso. Lo pueden.” Uh, okay then.

Staff can throw disgusting people in the sea.

“I don’t think I want to go on your cruise….” I said.

“No? Okay, I change it for you.”

Three weeks ago, basic 2: Me: “Okay, guys, what does ‘beautiful’ mean?”

Them: “Hermoso!”  “Bonito!”  “Lindo!”  “Delicioso!”

Me: “Hold up, hold up, hold up. ‘Delicioso’ does NOT mean beautiful.” I proceeded to tell them about my hatred of the word. You see, sometimes (every day) when I walk the streets of Santiago, men leer. I’m a pretty blonde girl, and they like pretty blonde girls. I really hate it, but I’ve gotten used to it by now, but one thing still gets to me. Men will walk by and whisper in my ear, “Deliciosaaaaa.” Delicious. Fucking “delicious.” They think I’m DELICIOUS. They want to taste me. It skeeves me out, and it’s gross.

My students got a kick out of it. They thought that was hilaaarious. So I’d made it clear: if you pass an English speaking girl on the street, don’s say that.

Later that day, we were going over adverbs.

One kid: “Miss, you are extremely, extremely, extremely beautiful.”

Another, nodding. “Sipo. Delicious.”

I about died.

October 5, intermediate 2: A student brings me a birthday present. Lots and lots of chocolate. Wrapped up in proper wrapping paper. Blushes when I hug him and say “thank you.”

Those are just a few. Do they make me want to be a teacher forever? Nope. I don’t think it’s for me. But they add to this experience so much more than I expected them to, and I love them for it.

Eso. Nothing else to dwell on.

seis semanas. gush-time.

Only six weeks left. Six weeks to the end.

I see myself back home. The hugs from friends I haven’t seen in too long. The laughter, the love. The rain, the grey skies, the music and newest trends I’m missing out on. Six weeks, and I’ll have all of it again.

I love my life. Not here. Not there. I love all of it, all of the people in it, all over the world.

Do you ever become grateful to the people who’ve hurt you? Sometimes I do. I think about them, the different ways they’ve cut and bruised me. I think about how broken up I was, how I felt that I would never heal.

I have a cut on my thumb that I got from carelessly slicing through some bread yesterday. I let it bleed, rinsed it, inspected it. I pulled the small wound apart to see layers of white skin, without a speck of blood. Minutes after I wounded my own flesh, my body had aleady clotted the blood. It had started to repair itself, regenerating cells to join those bits of flesh back together.

Soon, any trace of it might be gone forever, without a blemish of evidence that ever indicated pain. Or, maybe it will take longer to heal, leaving a toughened bit of skin. Something to match my other scars. Something to remind me.

It’s kind of incredible, when you think about it — that our bodies can heal and recover from all kinds of stresses and wounds, many without a trace of having ever existed. Our bodies are built to be repaired.

And for some reason, we always forget that this applies to the whole. Our bodies, of course, but also our minds, and our souls.

People have hurt me. I’ve hurt people. Humans, for all of our advancements in technology and human rights, will still hurt each other. Relationships are complex, fragile, and they’re never infallible. We push each other, we fall. We cut each other, we bleed. Sure, our bruises and our cuts on our minds and souls aren’t on display the way they are with our bodies, but they go deeper. They often scar badly, and take much longer to heal.

But they still heal. With more care, with more pain, but we heal. We’re made to be broken. We’re made to heal, and when we do, we bear the marks of injury as a reminder.

So I’m sometimes thankful to them, those people that pushed me, that cut me, that beat the shit out of me. They’ve left impressions unable to be forgotten, even if I wanted it so. They’ve made me this way, maybe even more than those that have never hurt me. They’ve shaped who I am, and they’ve helped give me this life that I love so much.

If you’ve ever hurt me — thank you. Chances are good that I’m over it, and I just smile to myself when I think of you now. Thanks for this scar.

You only have one life. Live it. Try to be happy with it. Especially when it seems the hardest.

200.

Two years, seven months.
One-hundred-ninety-nine posts.
Infinite change.

“People don’t change,” I’d told him adamantly. There was an anger, a harshness is my voice that wasn’t typical for me. Well — maybe it was for the time. Somewhere in the dark, I could feel his eyes rolling.

“They don’t,” I insisted. “People always say they’ve changed, and maybe they work at it for awhile, but they always revert to who they were to begin with. They don’t change, they only make an effort to be better or different. Sometimes it’s successful, and sometimes it isn’t. No matter what, whatever flaw they’re trying to change is hiding just beneath the surface. It’s there. They haven’t changed.”

I believed that vehemently a year and a half ago, when I wrote this entry, explaining why I’d told him that. Because I had never changed. As much as I didn’t want to be, I was still a coward. I was still lazy. I was still a liar.

Coward. Lazy. Liar.

Those were my three fatal flaws. They were a part of me. They were lifelong enemies, and I’d be fighting my whole life against them.

Except fast forward to a year and a half later — here we are. Am I still a coward? Am I lazy? Am I a liar?

Well, let’s see. Despite never being outside of the country, save for Mexican resorts, despite not speaking the language, despite a constant fear of never making friends — I moved to Chile.

More than that, though — I’ve thrived here. I fought past my fear of putting myself on a limb to make a lot of good friends. So…I think, that even though there are parts of me that still make me nervous, like calling my boss to make sure I have a job when I get home, I’m pretty confident in saying that I’ve kicked that fear in the ass. It no longer defines me and what steps I take in my life.

I’ll get rejected someday. But that’s okay.

Lazy? Sure. I just finished grading the midterms I gave two weeks ago. I took a three or four month blog hiatus. I have my moments, but in working very independently with my old job, and with the job I have keeping internet stuff maintained, being flat-out lazy isn’t really an option.

Am I lazy? No. Unmotivated? At times. But aren’t we all?

How about liar? I only lied in the past to cover up those two other flaws. So, without having to deal with those two much, my need to lie is dormant. We’ll see how it fares when faced with necessity.

Coward? Nope. Lazy? Change the vernacular — I’m just occasionally unmotivated. Liar? Negative.

I was talking with one of my best friends on Skype yesterday when it dawned on me…I’ve actually changed. 

But I still think I was halfway right — trying to change, gauging your progress, making that constant effort, isn’t how you make real change happen. If you’re fighting to be different, it can’t be all that real.

Instead, after a number of experiences, both based on actions of your own and on outside influences, you’ll turn to look down the path you’ve been walking, and what you’ll see are the pieces you’ve left behind. You’ll look in the mirror and notice a new laugh line. At that, you should smile. Somehow, you’ve changed.

Back then, I was terribly unhappy with myself and my life. I obsessed over those flaws, worried about them, battled with them, and always felt like I was losing. It wasn’t until I stopped giving a shit, when I became too happy with my life and the friends I had around me that I could start to really change.

And part of that change is completely credited to this blog, this small community that I’ve had reading along with me, cheering from the sidelines. Here I am now: two and a half years, 200 posts, a whole new person.

Thank you for that. When I get home I’m making you cookies. Really!

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, it’s spring here now.

with just a little help from my friends.

Saturday was a hard day for me. I knew, when I left seven and a half months ago, that it would be. And that’s because on October 8, two of my best friends got married.

I got a glimpse of the beautiful wedding via the wonders of technology. While waiting for the wedding to start, I chatted with a few friends between my viewings of Dr. Who, expressing the regret of my absence, the awesomeness of Chile, and the anticipation of my return in December.

As the wedding started, my video cut out, but I was still able to hear the ceremony. It was short, sweet, and altogether lovely. And just like that, two of my best friends were married.

This is Brad and Melissa. They are incredible.

Though I was stoked to have been there in some fashion, it was still really hard on me. I didn’t want to be there in some fashion. I wanted to be there. 

Though we’ve only been friends a few years — Mel and I met when we were both wage slaves at Macy’s — I’ve been through a lot with these two. From break ups, to hook ups, to badly thought out make outs, to debaucherous nights and chill evenings over tacos, they’ve been there for me. And, had I been there, I’d have helped with the whole affair. That’s just a part of who I am — a pretty damn dedicated friend to those who’ve been good to me. (Sometimes even those who aren’t all that good to me, but that’s a topic for another day.)

But, over a year ago, I decided to be selfish. Part of that demanded that I put what I wanted before what I thought I “owed” my friends. In that particularly selfish time, I wasn’t talking with them and I felt a bit of resentment – I don’t owe anyone anything, I thought. I want to live for myself, and not for my friends.

So I did that. And in doing that, I’ve learned that I was partially right — I don’t owe anyone anything. But, I want to be there for my friends. I want to give as much as I can.

That’s what makes this travelling and making friends thing really hard. With Brad and Mel, along with all my other friends at home, I’ll be back. I’ll be there for other important things. I’ll be around to give and to give and to help and to hang out and all that. There will be plenty of time to make up for missing all of this time.

But my friends here? I can’t say as much.

You make friends fast when you’re abroad. Brought together by the intense feeling of being so far away from home, connections are formed quickly and deeply. There are late night heart to hearts over a box of wine in those first weeks, there are epic nights out, there’s travelling and sharing incredible sights and experiences. It’s nearly impossible to not forge connections here.

But they’re temporary. But at least with my gringo friends, I can travel fairly cheaply in the US to see them.

But one of my best friends that I’ve made here — or, really, anywhere, is Chilean. When I leave here, I’m not, in theory, coming back. Knowing that I won’t be able to hang out with her six days a week, go shopping with her, make weird noises on the street with her, all of that…that really sucks.

In some ways, I’d rather have a boyfriend that I have to leave. The thing with boyfriends and girlfriends is that you always know that there’s a possibility that they could end. Sure, you try not to entertain the idea too much, but it should be there, lingering in the back of your mind somewhere. But with friends, it’s different. There aren’t any reservations in deepening your connections, opening yourself up like there are in relationships — in that way, it’s almost more dangerous to make friends abroad than to get into a relationship.

A good friendship can be just as intense as a relationship. There’s a lot of love in a good friendship, a lot of conversation, a similar closeness. Leaving that can be even harder as a boyfriend or girlfriend — because when I return to the US, I’m not going to be on the lookout for a new BFF. For one, I have several really close friends. But on top of that, you can have many close friends at a time. It’s leaving a relationship hanging on a thread, entering a perpetually forever LDR.

That’s why I’m so torn about the fact that I’ve booked my plane ticket home. Yes, I’ll get to see my friends and family again, and I’m stoked for that. But I’m also leaving all of my friends here, many of them forever.

This is probably redundant, but I’m having trouble tearing the concept from my mind. Leaving will be incredibly difficult on me.

me and chilean twin. connected, both physically and symbolically.

Also, today I learned that if you lock yourself out of your apartment, the doormen will work really hard to get you back inside. They’ll walk to different locksmiths so you don’t have to go outside without a bra while you hold your wet bras in your arms. I love this country.

The Great Adventure North, part 1 – Bolivia

I took a winter vacation. Twenty days of travel in the north of Chile and into Bolivia. It was an incredible trip, so I thought, oh hey! I should share! In part so that I don’t forget myself…you know how I get sometimes.

So here goes.

Day one: On the road.

Unlike the very lucky Kortnee and Amy, who I was meeting in San Pedro de Atacama, I wasn’t able to fly. This left me with one option: the bus. It was a daunting bus ride, a slated 24 hours through the desert in the north.

But it wasn’t that bad. As is usually true with days consisting mainly of travel, it was largely uneventful. I simply had my phone/music player, Douglas Adams, and the scenery to keep me company.

Mostly, the only note worth making was the rolling into San Pedro as the sun was setting behind us. As I’d opted for the upper level window seat, I had complete views of the colored sky as we rolled over the orangey red hills. Right in front of me rose a fantastic full moon aside the perfect cone of Volcan Licanibur, both bright against the sinking canvas.

I wish that photo could capture how wonderful a welcome this was.

After catching up with Kortnee and Amy over a quick dinner, we settled into the hostel in San Pedro and made plans for our early departure the next morning into Bolivia.

Day 2: Into Bolivia

A hundred varying landscapes in the course of a few hours: mountains, to flatlands, to rolling hills, to rocky hills, to desert plains, salt flats, and endless hills. The only constant is the blazing sun and that striking blue, big sky, occasionally brushed with a thin white cloud or two.

Further east is one of the highest cities in the world. To the north lies the highest capitol city in the world. Farther still, the desert and mountains shift to jungle.

From my tiny glimpse, this is a beautiful country. Such a diverse landscape, kind people. I’m definitely leaving a piece of my heart here. (My journal, July 16, 2011)

We awoke incredibly early to the dark, frigid desert morning, dressing in the dark and gathering our things to meet with the rest of our group. After picking up nine more people, we were on our way to Bolivia.

Before I arrived, a very odd thing happened: it snowed. A lot. So much so that many of the typical attractions in San Pedro were closed, as was the typical pass from Chile to Bolivia. Our alternate route took us farther north, so the trip was a long one — entirely on a dirt road in rapidly rising altitudes. Having a strong stomach helped — I wasn’t the one who threw up in the bus. Instead, I was just mildly annoyed at the intense vibrations from our van and the the lingering smell of vomit.

Somewhere in between Chile and Bolivia, we stopped for a mid morning picnic. We filed off, all twelve happy to have a few minutes to walk around without the jarring movement of the road. We munched on sandwiches, guzzled Nescafe, and played the getting-to-know-your-neighbor game among the mountains covered in icy snow. Not a terrible backdrop.

Later, at the border, I was almost denied exit from Chile — my Chilean ID had disappeared. After a bit of fear and panicking, I was allowed to leave. And before you knew it, we were in Bolivia!

Amy, Kortnee, and I made the move to snag the Jeep with the three most seemingly interesting companions on our tour. It turned out to be a good move, as Claus, Eoghan, and Andreas were lively and entertaining.

After endless driving, our first stop was a small lagoon.

And later, a pee stop. There was a lot of peeing outside in Bolivia.

This? Not a bad place to pop a squat.

Later, Valle de las Rocas. Or, valley of the fun volcanic rocks that we got to climb and generally be five years old on.

We finished the day rather early when we rolled into a tiny, deserted looking town. The town, if I recall correctly, only had about 20 inhabitants, but seemed larger, if you’re going by a numbers of buildings kind of ratio. This disparity between inhabitants and habitations gave it an eerie vibe — but we pooled some money, bought some beers at the tiny, tiny general store, crowded around the all-too-necessary fire, hashed it out with our guides about the following day’s plan, and talked and drank into the night, trying to find the courage to leave the warm fire and crawl into our freezing beds.

It was a rough night’s sleep. With five blankets, two layers of socks, tights, and shirts, along with a facemask worn solely for its warmth — I was still not what you would call “warm.” But alas — we had another day to wake up early to.

Day three: San Cristobal, Pulacayo, termas

The next morning, we piled into our two Jeeps. We drove over the landscape, by llamas, vicunas, ostriches, and other animals to another valley of rocks. We were looking for something specific on this ride, though: a rock that looks like a tree! It was incredibly difficult to stay grounded on that ride as we climbed higher and higher in search of this rock. Kortnee and I, in the backseat, had to hold on to each other and anything around us to keep from being thrown into the front seat.

It was worth it though. It was kinda cool.

Then it was back to the “road”; we stopped in San Cristobal, a small mining town. The fact that Bolivian women wear the traditional clothing that I learned about in sixth grade kind of made my life.

From there, it was through Uyuni, the biggest city around, past Pulacayo, the abandoned mining town, and to the termas (hot springs!) where we had lunch. We were all a bit apprehensive, having been told they weren’t that warm — that was false. In the frigidity of Boliva, they were heaven. And, the setting was absolutely beautiful.

After we’d dried off and put on our millions of layers again, we headed to our next destination: Pulacayo, a silver mining town that was abandoned in the 70s.

Pulacayo was probably the most fascinating part of our trip into Bolivia. Firstly, it’s the home to a bunch of old trains and train cars — including one that was robbed in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I mean, that’s just cool.

But there’s more than that. Pulacayo used to be the prime silver mining town in Bolivia. It had an incredibly large population — something like tens of thousands, if I recall correctly. Now, it’s all but abandoned. We saw a few people around, mostly military. The mine was closed, and as the sun set, there was an eerie ghost town sort of feeling about it.

After our tour, we headed to our hotel in Uyuni.

(There was an amazing sunset)

We had a warm dinner at an Italian restaurant, cheered along with locals to the Copa America match playing, and Kortnee and I went back to the hotel to sleep before our next big day: the salt flats!

Day four: getting our visas, Salar de Uyuni

The thing most of us had really signed up for was the Salar de Uyuni. It’s the largest, highest salt flat in the world, and it’s incredible.

But first, Kortnee, Amy, and I, plus two others from our group, had to take care of our visa situation. Because we’re Americans, we had to pay an entry of $135. We’d all planned on that, but, being that Bolivia isn’t known for being a rich, transparent, honest government, we also expected bumps — both in prices and in trouble.

Sure enough, once we finally found the people to open the office, there was trouble. Since we didn’t have our yellow fever vaccinations, the man smiled broadly and declared that we’d have to pay a fine. Luckily, it was only $5.000 Chilean pesos each — not that it was an official fine. We’re fairly certain that money went straight into his pocket.

Anyway, we finally got to go to the salt flats. Pictures are better than words, for the most part.

There was an island where we had lunch. Beautiful views, despite the difficulty in ascending — it was a battle with the altitude.

There really are few words, but driving across this was an incredible experience. It was kind of surreal, actually. And from atop this island, there was just a sea of endless white salt giving way to the mountains beyond.

Finally, after, we said goodbye to half of our group, and Kortnee, Amy, and I joined our Jeep mates for a beer and the next round in Copa America at the same restaurant. It was a quiet evening, and it was a bit sad saying goodbye to them, one by one.

Day five: well, that was just retracing our steps to get out of the country, watching the landscape change in reverse.

So there’s a brief of my first few days. What comes next? Oh, just Antofagasta, San Pedro de Atacama, Iquique, Copiapo, and La Serena.