My South American dream

Yesterday, I sat across from Jeremy while we ordered breakfast from our favorite north-of-Seattle joint. On his white shirt were the words “Cerveceria Kuntsmann: Valdivia, Chile.” I was puzzled for the briefest moment: Chile? Where’d that come from?

Oh, right. From me. I was the one who spent ten short months in that long, thin country at the end of the world, visited that brewery, and spent ten minutes mulling over which shirt to buy him.

Outside today, the characteristic nothwest rain pounds away the very un-characteristic 10 inches of snow that fell this week. I lay curled under my favorite comforter in my best friend’s mom’s spare room in Bothell, Washington, switching between listening to Gotye and reading. And in this comfortable little corner, the reality of those ten months seems like something more akin to a dream I had.

There are occasional reminders that it did actually happen. My skin is still a touch browner than Jeremy’s. My favorite Chilean sends me quick messages to complain about the draining heat in the south of the world. Spanish words sometimes leave my mouth out of instinct. In those little notes, I remember that world that I left a month ago.

And that’s the thing — it really has been only a month since I left.

In that month, I’ve acquired a job, a car, and put a deposit down on a fantastic apartment in North Seattle. I’ve spent time with my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my dog, and my dad’s new cat. Nothing seems new, or different. Everything is just the same as it ever was.

I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing. On the one hand, it’s comforting. And on the other, it’s monotonous and draining. I spend hours researching more ways to get away.

It felt as though I was actually doing something of note for myself while I was in Chile. Something distinct, something to set me apart from the pack of 20-somethings that are just like me. Here? Shelling out marketing materials for a start-up company that I don’t entirely understand? Sure, I’m making my living and getting by and allowing myself to spend time with people I love — and that’s the most important part of any life, the people you spend it with.

But I worry. I worry about living my life without any passion. I see friends around me doing things they actually love to do, and it makes me … jealous? Something akin to that. In any case, I feel like I could be doing more. I feel wasted.

While I had Chile, to look forward to, to live with, I had passion. I had something I could cling to and say “You see this? This is mine, and I love it and I don’t have to let it go.”

This isn’t to discredit everything I have here. I’m incredibly grateful to everything I have here. I just feel a bit empty.

Now that I no longer have Chile, what do I look forward to? What’s next? What dreams do I have left?

Chile was a reality, but it was a reality that I made out of a dream that I had once. So I’ll cling to my South American dream, and hope that I can find another one soon.

Because I just might go crazy if I don’t.

dos semanas. the sun won’t go down.

and instead of saying all of your goodbyes
let them know you realize that life goes fast
it’s hard to make the good things last
and you realize that the sun doesn’t go down
it’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning ’round.

flaming lips, do you realize?

It’s funny how quickly days fly by when jam-packed with school, with grades, with pools, and dinners, and birthdays, and trying desperately to claw at each minute we have left here.

14 days. 6 in Santiago. 8 in the south: Valdivia, Puerto Montt, Puerto Varas, Chiloe.

Am I happy to be going home?

Depends on the hour that you ask me.

The point is — I’m done with teaching. Now it’s loose ends, it’s packing, it’s savoring what’s left.

It’s looking forward to hugs and kisses and reunions with people I’ve missed desperately. And it’s finding that perfect place in Seattle, it’s picking up where I left off, and it’s planning for the next big adventure…even if I do have to wait 4 years to do as much.

And mostly, it’s remembering that this isn’t the end, not if I don’t want it to be. The sun doesn’t ever go down — it’s just an illusion caused by the world spinning around.

And it’s trying to sleep every now and again.

with just a little help from my friends.

Saturday was a hard day for me. I knew, when I left seven and a half months ago, that it would be. And that’s because on October 8, two of my best friends got married.

I got a glimpse of the beautiful wedding via the wonders of technology. While waiting for the wedding to start, I chatted with a few friends between my viewings of Dr. Who, expressing the regret of my absence, the awesomeness of Chile, and the anticipation of my return in December.

As the wedding started, my video cut out, but I was still able to hear the ceremony. It was short, sweet, and altogether lovely. And just like that, two of my best friends were married.

This is Brad and Melissa. They are incredible.

Though I was stoked to have been there in some fashion, it was still really hard on me. I didn’t want to be there in some fashion. I wanted to be there. 

Though we’ve only been friends a few years — Mel and I met when we were both wage slaves at Macy’s — I’ve been through a lot with these two. From break ups, to hook ups, to badly thought out make outs, to debaucherous nights and chill evenings over tacos, they’ve been there for me. And, had I been there, I’d have helped with the whole affair. That’s just a part of who I am — a pretty damn dedicated friend to those who’ve been good to me. (Sometimes even those who aren’t all that good to me, but that’s a topic for another day.)

But, over a year ago, I decided to be selfish. Part of that demanded that I put what I wanted before what I thought I “owed” my friends. In that particularly selfish time, I wasn’t talking with them and I felt a bit of resentment – I don’t owe anyone anything, I thought. I want to live for myself, and not for my friends.

So I did that. And in doing that, I’ve learned that I was partially right — I don’t owe anyone anything. But, I want to be there for my friends. I want to give as much as I can.

That’s what makes this travelling and making friends thing really hard. With Brad and Mel, along with all my other friends at home, I’ll be back. I’ll be there for other important things. I’ll be around to give and to give and to help and to hang out and all that. There will be plenty of time to make up for missing all of this time.

But my friends here? I can’t say as much.

You make friends fast when you’re abroad. Brought together by the intense feeling of being so far away from home, connections are formed quickly and deeply. There are late night heart to hearts over a box of wine in those first weeks, there are epic nights out, there’s travelling and sharing incredible sights and experiences. It’s nearly impossible to not forge connections here.

But they’re temporary. But at least with my gringo friends, I can travel fairly cheaply in the US to see them.

But one of my best friends that I’ve made here — or, really, anywhere, is Chilean. When I leave here, I’m not, in theory, coming back. Knowing that I won’t be able to hang out with her six days a week, go shopping with her, make weird noises on the street with her, all of that…that really sucks.

In some ways, I’d rather have a boyfriend that I have to leave. The thing with boyfriends and girlfriends is that you always know that there’s a possibility that they could end. Sure, you try not to entertain the idea too much, but it should be there, lingering in the back of your mind somewhere. But with friends, it’s different. There aren’t any reservations in deepening your connections, opening yourself up like there are in relationships — in that way, it’s almost more dangerous to make friends abroad than to get into a relationship.

A good friendship can be just as intense as a relationship. There’s a lot of love in a good friendship, a lot of conversation, a similar closeness. Leaving that can be even harder as a boyfriend or girlfriend — because when I return to the US, I’m not going to be on the lookout for a new BFF. For one, I have several really close friends. But on top of that, you can have many close friends at a time. It’s leaving a relationship hanging on a thread, entering a perpetually forever LDR.

That’s why I’m so torn about the fact that I’ve booked my plane ticket home. Yes, I’ll get to see my friends and family again, and I’m stoked for that. But I’m also leaving all of my friends here, many of them forever.

This is probably redundant, but I’m having trouble tearing the concept from my mind. Leaving will be incredibly difficult on me.

me and chilean twin. connected, both physically and symbolically.

Also, today I learned that if you lock yourself out of your apartment, the doormen will work really hard to get you back inside. They’ll walk to different locksmiths so you don’t have to go outside without a bra while you hold your wet bras in your arms. I love this country.

The Great Adventure North, part 1 – Bolivia

I took a winter vacation. Twenty days of travel in the north of Chile and into Bolivia. It was an incredible trip, so I thought, oh hey! I should share! In part so that I don’t forget myself…you know how I get sometimes.

So here goes.

Day one: On the road.

Unlike the very lucky Kortnee and Amy, who I was meeting in San Pedro de Atacama, I wasn’t able to fly. This left me with one option: the bus. It was a daunting bus ride, a slated 24 hours through the desert in the north.

But it wasn’t that bad. As is usually true with days consisting mainly of travel, it was largely uneventful. I simply had my phone/music player, Douglas Adams, and the scenery to keep me company.

Mostly, the only note worth making was the rolling into San Pedro as the sun was setting behind us. As I’d opted for the upper level window seat, I had complete views of the colored sky as we rolled over the orangey red hills. Right in front of me rose a fantastic full moon aside the perfect cone of Volcan Licanibur, both bright against the sinking canvas.

I wish that photo could capture how wonderful a welcome this was.

After catching up with Kortnee and Amy over a quick dinner, we settled into the hostel in San Pedro and made plans for our early departure the next morning into Bolivia.

Day 2: Into Bolivia

A hundred varying landscapes in the course of a few hours: mountains, to flatlands, to rolling hills, to rocky hills, to desert plains, salt flats, and endless hills. The only constant is the blazing sun and that striking blue, big sky, occasionally brushed with a thin white cloud or two.

Further east is one of the highest cities in the world. To the north lies the highest capitol city in the world. Farther still, the desert and mountains shift to jungle.

From my tiny glimpse, this is a beautiful country. Such a diverse landscape, kind people. I’m definitely leaving a piece of my heart here. (My journal, July 16, 2011)

We awoke incredibly early to the dark, frigid desert morning, dressing in the dark and gathering our things to meet with the rest of our group. After picking up nine more people, we were on our way to Bolivia.

Before I arrived, a very odd thing happened: it snowed. A lot. So much so that many of the typical attractions in San Pedro were closed, as was the typical pass from Chile to Bolivia. Our alternate route took us farther north, so the trip was a long one — entirely on a dirt road in rapidly rising altitudes. Having a strong stomach helped — I wasn’t the one who threw up in the bus. Instead, I was just mildly annoyed at the intense vibrations from our van and the the lingering smell of vomit.

Somewhere in between Chile and Bolivia, we stopped for a mid morning picnic. We filed off, all twelve happy to have a few minutes to walk around without the jarring movement of the road. We munched on sandwiches, guzzled Nescafe, and played the getting-to-know-your-neighbor game among the mountains covered in icy snow. Not a terrible backdrop.

Later, at the border, I was almost denied exit from Chile — my Chilean ID had disappeared. After a bit of fear and panicking, I was allowed to leave. And before you knew it, we were in Bolivia!

Amy, Kortnee, and I made the move to snag the Jeep with the three most seemingly interesting companions on our tour. It turned out to be a good move, as Claus, Eoghan, and Andreas were lively and entertaining.

After endless driving, our first stop was a small lagoon.

And later, a pee stop. There was a lot of peeing outside in Bolivia.

This? Not a bad place to pop a squat.

Later, Valle de las Rocas. Or, valley of the fun volcanic rocks that we got to climb and generally be five years old on.

We finished the day rather early when we rolled into a tiny, deserted looking town. The town, if I recall correctly, only had about 20 inhabitants, but seemed larger, if you’re going by a numbers of buildings kind of ratio. This disparity between inhabitants and habitations gave it an eerie vibe — but we pooled some money, bought some beers at the tiny, tiny general store, crowded around the all-too-necessary fire, hashed it out with our guides about the following day’s plan, and talked and drank into the night, trying to find the courage to leave the warm fire and crawl into our freezing beds.

It was a rough night’s sleep. With five blankets, two layers of socks, tights, and shirts, along with a facemask worn solely for its warmth — I was still not what you would call “warm.” But alas — we had another day to wake up early to.

Day three: San Cristobal, Pulacayo, termas

The next morning, we piled into our two Jeeps. We drove over the landscape, by llamas, vicunas, ostriches, and other animals to another valley of rocks. We were looking for something specific on this ride, though: a rock that looks like a tree! It was incredibly difficult to stay grounded on that ride as we climbed higher and higher in search of this rock. Kortnee and I, in the backseat, had to hold on to each other and anything around us to keep from being thrown into the front seat.

It was worth it though. It was kinda cool.

Then it was back to the “road”; we stopped in San Cristobal, a small mining town. The fact that Bolivian women wear the traditional clothing that I learned about in sixth grade kind of made my life.

From there, it was through Uyuni, the biggest city around, past Pulacayo, the abandoned mining town, and to the termas (hot springs!) where we had lunch. We were all a bit apprehensive, having been told they weren’t that warm — that was false. In the frigidity of Boliva, they were heaven. And, the setting was absolutely beautiful.

After we’d dried off and put on our millions of layers again, we headed to our next destination: Pulacayo, a silver mining town that was abandoned in the 70s.

Pulacayo was probably the most fascinating part of our trip into Bolivia. Firstly, it’s the home to a bunch of old trains and train cars — including one that was robbed in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I mean, that’s just cool.

But there’s more than that. Pulacayo used to be the prime silver mining town in Bolivia. It had an incredibly large population — something like tens of thousands, if I recall correctly. Now, it’s all but abandoned. We saw a few people around, mostly military. The mine was closed, and as the sun set, there was an eerie ghost town sort of feeling about it.

After our tour, we headed to our hotel in Uyuni.

(There was an amazing sunset)

We had a warm dinner at an Italian restaurant, cheered along with locals to the Copa America match playing, and Kortnee and I went back to the hotel to sleep before our next big day: the salt flats!

Day four: getting our visas, Salar de Uyuni

The thing most of us had really signed up for was the Salar de Uyuni. It’s the largest, highest salt flat in the world, and it’s incredible.

But first, Kortnee, Amy, and I, plus two others from our group, had to take care of our visa situation. Because we’re Americans, we had to pay an entry of $135. We’d all planned on that, but, being that Bolivia isn’t known for being a rich, transparent, honest government, we also expected bumps — both in prices and in trouble.

Sure enough, once we finally found the people to open the office, there was trouble. Since we didn’t have our yellow fever vaccinations, the man smiled broadly and declared that we’d have to pay a fine. Luckily, it was only $5.000 Chilean pesos each — not that it was an official fine. We’re fairly certain that money went straight into his pocket.

Anyway, we finally got to go to the salt flats. Pictures are better than words, for the most part.

There was an island where we had lunch. Beautiful views, despite the difficulty in ascending — it was a battle with the altitude.

There really are few words, but driving across this was an incredible experience. It was kind of surreal, actually. And from atop this island, there was just a sea of endless white salt giving way to the mountains beyond.

Finally, after, we said goodbye to half of our group, and Kortnee, Amy, and I joined our Jeep mates for a beer and the next round in Copa America at the same restaurant. It was a quiet evening, and it was a bit sad saying goodbye to them, one by one.

Day five: well, that was just retracing our steps to get out of the country, watching the landscape change in reverse.

So there’s a brief of my first few days. What comes next? Oh, just Antofagasta, San Pedro de Atacama, Iquique, Copiapo, and La Serena.

Another year, another birthday post.

I’m a narcissist. Nothing inspires me and gets me to writing more like writing about myself. I mean, I have a blog, so that much should be self-evident.

This is my third birthday post on this blog — crazy, right? It’s no secret that time goes a lot faster as we get older, but that doesn’t make the reality of it any different. I started this blog when I was 23. Today, I’m 26.

And it never fucking fails to surprise me just how much life can change in a couple of years — from unhealthy relationships to nearly perfect ones. From a handful of friends to a bushelful, now in cities all over the world. From a together family to a more fractured one. From startling depression to sometimes overwhelming happiness, then back down again and then back up. In just two years. 

So fucking weird.

Birthdays are pretty significant for me, because in my head, THAT’S the start of a new year, much more so that New Year’s. Resolutions are usually kept when I vow to make a change on my birthday, I reflect more on the changes that year has seen — I just always see it as a new beginning. A fresh start.

So this is me today. 26 years. Working toward 27.

I don’t look the same as I did last year, or the year before that. Maybe I look older, have more of a mom haircut…but that’s a long story that I don’t want to get into.

I’d be lying if i said that I wasn’t looking forward to this coming year. Even though parts of my life will be dramatically different in a bad kind of way when I return in December, there’s plenty to look forward to — living with one of my best friends, living in the same city as my boyfriend (finally…I mean in the 6 years of my life that I’ve had a boyfriend, I’ve never lived in the same city as one), hopefully working a job that I actually enjoy, despite the field, of course.

When it comes down to it, my life is pretty together. I have a lot to go home to, and that makes me feel lucky — but it also makes me proud. Nothing I have waiting is really a result of luck. I have a boyfriend and good friends and family that loves me because I work hard to keep those relationships healthy and functioning, and I’d put myself out on multiple limbs to form those relationships to begin with. That, in itself, used to be completely contrary to my nature. I have some kind of job because I worked hard and stuck with my series of crappy jobs until something paid off — and it did.

It’s something that sets me apart from the pack here in Chile. Most of my friends are a few years younger and, as we find ourselves three months till our program’s end date, are trying to figure out their next move. Some have pololos here, some don’t. Some want to stay, some don’t. Most wonder what their new adventures will be, and are talking about moving to different cities in Chile, different countries in South America, or different continents altogether.

I’m a little jealous of their adventures, sad that I started this travelling thing so late in my 20s… comparatively speaking, of course. Some of them have said that once you go home, you’ll never leave again.

I got a little irritated with that remark. I’m going to make travel a priority in my life — after this experience, there’s no way I couldn’t. Maybe I won’t ever live abroad again, but I’m okay with that.

The end is approaching fast — I’ll be buying my plane ticket home within the next week, with any luck. It will fly by. But at least I can make the most of it. And at least I’ll be bullying myself to blog about it.

I’m back! (maybe.)