[13/365]

I’ve known my flaws for a good long time now. I’ve been tirelessly self-evaluating myself since my sophomore year in college. I could easily write a novel explaining each of my flaws, but perhaps my biggest one, the one that has the potential to ruin any future I might have, is that I’m a coward.

I’ve always been afraid to ask for anything, to talk to people I don’t know. I don’t know, ultimately, what I’m afraid of is rejection.

There’s a context to this. In elementary school, there was a machine the sold fresh-ish golden delicious apples. Students would ask the duties at recess if they could go inside and buy an apple for 35 cents. I always wanted an apple; to this day, golden delicious apples are my favorites. But I never got one. I was terrified of asking the duties if I could go inside because I was sure that they would tell me no. They’ll let every kid in school go, but they might say no to me.

In the sixth grade, I asked a boy to go to the school social with me. He said no and stopped talking to me, which was awkward because he sat next to me.

In the seventh grade, I asked a boy out and he said no.

From then on, the act of asking for something — be it help, companionship, employment, or the like, I’ve got to have a massive pep talk with myself beforehand. If driving is involved, I will drive around the parking lot at least three times, until the initial heat rash fades away, only to flare up again when I approach the subject of my quest. This fear of rejection is why I never ran for a student government position in high school, why I never bothered to look for a better job than Papa Murphy’s, and why I only applied to one school that I was sure I’d get into.

That’s what makes this unemployment thing hard for me. That’s why I have the Cowardly Lion up there. That courage isn’t something that I need to acquire, it’s something that is inside me. I’m having trouble with it, but as I work on it, things are getting easier and easier. I’m confident that I can make my transition into being a grown up.

All I know is that I don’t feel as lost as I have in the past. Before, working at Macy’s, being suspended from Macy’s, getting back from Mexico after a job well done on the campaign, I was a wreck. Paranoid, freaked out, unsure of what I wanted. It made my transitions all very hard, and I was unable to to pull myself out of my fear and focus on my attributes, and thus, unable to find a job I liked.

Now it’s different. Since I lost my job, I’ve been focusing on separating my current self from the high school and college self. I threw out all the old posters from high school and college that I’ve been hanging onto for years, donated a whole bunch of clothes, and even switched banks because I felt like I needed a change.

And the more I’ve pulled the stitches that have been holding me to my old life, my old fears, I’ve felt more and more confident. Even with the hits that keep coming – no job! broken car! – I’m not phased. I feel persistent and confident.

It’s weird. It’s not someone I’m familiar with, but I like it. Ain’t it the truth?